The Shack

Ode to Back to the Future

2004-12-18T22:49:00.000-08:00

It's the holidays again, which means I'll have way to much time on my hands, which means that I'll be chugging out columns like (insert cliched one liner here). Anyway, before the column, it's time for my rant of the week.

Has anyone else seen those "What happens here stays here" commercials for Las Vegas? I've come up with the exception to the rule: Herpes. Whether you're in Vegas or not, they'll be with you. But seriously, those commercials are just promoting the fact that Las Vegas is a whore-ridden moral filth bag of a place, and they're not even trying to cover it it up anymore. I guess that's what you get for being the only place in the nation with legalized prostitution...but still, cover-ups are always wanted. And those commercials are just hilarious by themselves. The one with the guy chugging the 1987329783 gallon bottle of water in the airplane gets me, especially since they're implying that he's just done enough X to kill a small horse. Another good one is the one with the wasted bride in the back seat of the limo, while one of the bridesmaids is just sitting there with the "what just happened?" look tattooed all over her face. They should just give up and change the slogan to "Vegas: We thrive off legalized prostitution," or, better yet "Vegas: We've found the cure for herpes." Anyway, on the the column.

Back to the Future is by far the greatest thing that came from the '80's (besides me of course), and one could make the claim that its the greatest trilogy of all time. (star wars was to...well, science fictiony, Lord of the Rings looks like some kind of acid trip, and the only words that can describe the Matrix is...Keanu Reeves! ASTONISHED!) Anyway, since I'm just making this stuff up on the fly, we'll go into reverse rant mode for this column, listing off the things that made back to the future great with no rhythm or reason.

1. A love triangle that doesn't make me want to vomit.
George loves Lorraine. Loraine loves Marty, and Marty can't get over the fact that his mom is actually semi-attractive....good times all-around. Best of all, Marty wants nothing to do with the love triangle...especially since his mom is promently involved. He just wants the whole crazy scheme to succeed so he doesn't disappear, and has to avoid backhill-Tennessee style love along the way. Good times.

2. Doc Brown
Arguably the greatest supporting character in a comedy, although I'll also accept Carl from Caddyshack on this one. He's a mix between an acid-popping hippie and stewie from family guy. I bet he also taught at Berekly during the '60s....

3. The '80's are prominetly involved.
Anytime the main character says things like "heavy" and expects not to be made fun of, you have to laugh. Also, this is before the annoying skaters era, where you just feel like punching anybody on a skate board you see.

4. Huey Lewis
For those of you who missed the memo, he's the guy who sang all of those crazy '80s songs throughout the flick. He's also the guy that auditioned Marty's band in the beginning of the movie while they were playing his song. But more importantly: Its Huey Lewis, and he was actually popular at the time. If there are questions, just read the above again, rinse, lather, repeat.

5. The inside jokes.
Twin Pines mall, mutant rebels, the porn theater/church at the end....priceless.

6. Why don't you make like a battleship and leave!"-It's a good thing Biff got his one liners down before he had to coach the '80 U.S. Hockey Team.

7. Here's something else i noticed: When Biff crashes his car into the manure truck, the sign says "someone's Manure Hauling." Incredibly, this guy chose not to get into the business of just hauling stuff, but only hauling exclusively manure. "Umm....I don't think we'd be good at carrying any kind of cargo but crap Tom, but nice try."

8. "1 point 21 jigawats!" "What the hell is a jigawat"

9. "Great Scot!"....or anything else that Doc Brown said.

10. Nothing, I mean nothing, beats the look on Marty's face when he realizes his mom's a slut and wants to park with him.

Clearly an icon of our era.

Leave questions or comments below or at ddebarr@hotmail.com

er...

2004-09-13T21:21:00.000-07:00

Michigan 20, Notre Dame 28. Yep, that's right, I'm an idiot. I'm glad I never got around to writing part two of that column.

This Can't be Happening

2004-09-05T17:45:00.000-07:00

Back in 1993, the Notre Dame bandwagon was in full speed, accepting passengers along the way to at least a top 10 ranking every year. And when you're 9 and have no grasp on what it takes to latch onto a local sports team, winners sound good enough. Throughout the years I've tried to ration my loyalty to the blue and gold without sounding like a bandwagon jumper, mainly citing the whole catholic excuse (which I still use to this day).

Now a days things are differnt. The Notre Dame wagon has officially burned to the ground, and it seems like the only ones left in thre are myself and that stupid lepricon. What the heck happened? We all know that the Irsh nation has never been the same since Lou Holtz left, and that the Bob Davie era offically never happened. Ty Willingham took over and guided the blue and gold to a 8-0 start, and things seemed to be on the uprise. Only the reconstruction fell apart, leaving the Irish faithful, which appears only to be me and the lepricon, wondering what the heck is happening.

Which brings us to last night. At one point, Notre Dame was down 20-10 to BYU. BYU!!! (read that sentance again, rinse, lather, and repeat.) What the heck is going on, and why is Notre Dame even playing a game at BYU? Is the catholic-morman matchup really that big of a deal?I understand that they won the national championship in 1984, but...that was 1984. This is 2004. And they just freaking beat Nortre Dame.

After watching the dismal performance, I wanted to trash my entire dorm...the game was nothing short of pathetic. How many times do I have to see Brady Quinn (who WILL be the next Joe Montana...ah...denial) check down to his double covered check down valve on 3rd and 9? Can't someone run a route past the first down marker? This is pathetic.

The Irish need to be able to stretch out the field, and RUN THE FOOTBALL. I don't ever remember not seeing a ND running back not get 75 yards rushing, let alone the entire team. Something needs to happen...now. Losing 10 out of the last 15 is just pathetic.

Since this is just a mad rant, I'll offer solutions later. Right now I just need time to vent.

Ahhh... The Intro

2004-09-05T17:40:00.000-07:00

Ahh...the blog. From time to time I'll be on to post the occasional column or two, generally most of which will be complaining about things that really don't matter. Check it out, leave a comment if you wish, and enjoy.